How do I know is she wants to be with me as she still has a boyfriend?

Jake says ‘I met Tina at a party. She was on her own. She gave me her number and didn’t mention her boyfriend. We started to meet for drinks after work and we have been out on clubbing and I really fancy her and 'got with' her a few times. She never once mentioned her boyfriend until 3 months later telling me her boyfriend was jealous of me. I was shocked to hear that she has a boyfriend. She texts me every day to say hi and we flirt on the phone. I am trying to play it cool but she keeps initiating things with me. I like her a lot but I am being decent about it as she has a boyfriend. I would love to take things further with her and want her to leave her boyfriend. What should I do?’

ALLY

You haven’t done anything wrong if you didn’t know she has a boyfriend at first. Her behaviour is completely out of order and very very shady!

But now that you know, you must stop flirting with her and completely back off for now. I know it will suck because you like her but you DEFINITELY don’t want to be the third wheel in anyone’s relationship and you definitely don’t want to get more involved than you already are.

Stop messaging her, don’t reply if she messages you and let her know how pissed off you are. From the sounds of things, she is not in a good relationship with her boyfriend, so let them sort their issues out. If they do break up, I am sure she she will come running back to you, if you say she is initiating contact with you. But, if they stay in their dysfunctional relationship , then unfortunately you’re going to have to find a new Tina. She’s replaceable!

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SMS

Tina’s behaviour is shady and disrespectful to you and her BF. Do you really want to have an intimate relationship with her given her underhand dealings?

It is curious that she hasn’t left her BF yet despite her more than platonic friendship with you. What is her motive? It sounds like she is trying to have her cake and eat it and she is still undecided about her next steps, either because she has an unfulfilling relationship with her BF and is still testing the waters with you before she leaps ORshe has no intention of leaving her BF and you are just a temporary fun distraction and a time-filler.

Either way she is not behaving honourably. Time for you to ‘man-up’, as this charade cannot continue. So:

  • Get straight to the point. Get some transparency and honesty and confront her with about the ‘elephant in the room’ aka her BF.
  • Ask her what her intentions are, why she wants to pursue things with you when she is clearly hitched.
  • Tell her your feelings for her.
  • Ask her if those feelings are reciprocated.
  • Make it clear that you will bow out if she is staying with her BF. But that you would love to court her if she is ending it with BF.

But a word of caution. I fear it may not end well if you do have a relationship with her as her lack of honesty and integrity may very well repeat itself at a later date and you may be on the receiving end instead which is never pleasant. So be prepared for that eventuality.

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Ally Mackintosh